If only I could say that I woke up, today, feeling excited about the day. I haven’t been able to say this in more years than I’d like to count. Another gloomy day. If S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) was for a season, then seasons can run longer than three months. They can run for decades. I haven’t felt the need to write honestly about my feelings in ages. So, I’m going to let my fingers do the typing as my brain does the writing. I’m on auto-mode.
My friends and I used to have a lot of fun together. We went to clubs, hung out, and drove all around the city and beyond. I always like to be a part of something, as long as I thought it was cool. But, coolness didn’t always feel the same way about me, and so I often ended up doing things that were pointless. Going for a drive through the city while listening to loud music looked like busy but was really avoidance. I was running. Putting on the appearance like I’m the hottest thing in the club looked like confidence and sexiness but was really insecurity and doubtfulness about myself.
I had no idea who I was, and even today, as I wake up, I don’t, still. Who I am has been based on what I did and what I looked like. This was easy to pull off when I didn’t have much responsibility or people in my life who need substance, who, for them, is Christ. I was lost like a sauce in a cloud of meatballs. Does that make sense? That’s how lost I was, to the point where nothing made sense, to me. I was confused and constrained to my own negative thinking, which I thought I had the right to have because of how I thought. My philosophy was if you think the worst, then when the worst happens you’re not surprised. I believe this was an abandonment issue that came from my dad not showing up when he said he would. It was the worst letdown as I had the highest expectation. It was beyond my control, and it hurt – that was a long time ago, yet God is still healing me.
Now, I’m around people who want to see my character, not my clothes. And if they want to see my clothes, they want to know if they’re matching my character and the responsibilities I have in my life. This is hard for me because putting on a mask was the reason I was able to run for so long. But, as I wake up and have another gloomy day, I feel like I’ve run out of running room. I have to face the day with a new face – my own. But, I don’t know how to face myself, knowing I have to face others. I’m being pulled from a shell where I’m comfortable. I have been lifted off the runway, looking down and scared of the lack of control I have over the things I thought I controlled so well. I kept buried, that’s not control – that’s killing what’s been given to me. No more! Now, it’s time to face what’s up, where I’m headed, what’s going on in my life, and what ideas I have of my life that need to be shed.
This is God telling me, “No more, Daughter. You can and will run no more. I have you where I want you to be, and you will face whatever I need you to face.” I don’t know what you’ve been running from but God sees you. He loves you. He sent HIs Son to die for you. You’re more than you can imagine, but you can only see it when you begin to become willing to face the God of Heaven and Earth.
Be blessed! With Love,
